Living Without Chemicals

YESTERDAY -

I didn’t take my medication. Inspired by a friend’s recent delivery of their first allotment of medications. Their experience seemingly counter to mine - with seemingly no effect. That experience raised a mirror on my own, and my self doubt if my medication is even working anymore.

The more you take them, the more into the background they fade. The less prevalent the overwhelming calming feeling that expands across the entire body it becomes. Day after day, a little by little, it evaporates into the ether. You can’t help but feel that the effects of tolerance are starting to take away the benefits of the drug and you’re left with your same old broken self.

I had found myself becoming more irritable and my usual old habits recurring. More distracted. Eating more. Harder to enjoy the small things.

Yesterday was an attempt to prove the theory.

I read somewhere in the ADHD community a question to people - do you take your medication every day or do you pick and choose your days? Do you take it sparsely?

One of the answers that stuck with me was “I have the symptoms of ADHD every day. So I take the medication every day”. After that, that’s what I’ve been doing.

Yesterday started off mostly the same, and feeling mostly the same. As the day turned into evening and the hours wore on, the difference became more and more noticeable.

It started off with me sinking more into myself. Struggling to enjoy things I would usually revel within.

Sinking and sinking, as I would often feel in a social environment. Feeling like I was in an invisible box inside a crowded room. Like I might as well not be there. With that, the self-doubts started and ramped up from there.

“These people would be having more fun if I wasn’t there”

“I would be better off alone”

“I should just leave, and hang myself in the garage”

“I wonder if anyone would care if I was dead. Would anyone even notice?”

The spiral continued long after the phone call was hung up and the receiver reset, and prevailed longer into the depths of the night. I felt angry - irritated - that my wife was even here. Moving around behind me. The fight becomes less and less of trying to upturn my mood - but resisting the encroaching darkness that would forcefully submerge my consciousness into despair.

I am then paralysed by indecision. If I can reset my mood by cowering in a corner - far away from anyone. Shutting down my phone and trying to meditate myself out of it. Driving my car to be fully alone, with no chance of anyone noticing me. Or simply - just going to bed.

I chose the latter. Return to my easy habits during a depressive, manic, stage. Sleep cures all. Sleep fixes all - because I’m not in it. A miniature coma that imitates the feeling of being dead is something I would seek out. To get by.

There, my mind raced more than it ever did on a psychoactive medication; even when I dosed later than the advertised time frame to avoid sleep deprivation.

The spiral continued, and the same self-doubts continued on. Fear, loathing, and pain enduring throughout. The longing feeling of escape - but how can you escape yourself?

“How do I explain to a stranger I'm not having a good year? I say I'm great, move on with my day, 'Cause the truth's too much to hear” Never Been Better - Half-Alive

Today I took my medication as soon as I woke up. To sum it up - it’s the difference between a glass half full and a glass half empty. My mind can retract and flex in its usual - creative - self. Rather than self harm and destruction, I can focus on hope. I can focus on what can be done. Instead of the pitiful exchange.

This medication is amazing because at least I can test out these theories day to day. And not have to succumb to weeks of consistent medication before any effects transpire (or don’t transpire) in the case of antidepressants. However, with that extended time - placebo can take over so easily.

I don’t have to become part of the “Maybe it’s Sertraline” people.

My theory is that I’m going through one of my manic, depressive states. I just don’t know it. The medication works that well. Perhaps if I consider myself on a scale of 0 - 100%. 0% being a depressive state. These would often recur every 2 months on average. Sometimes as frequently as every other week. We’ll go with the monthly version for now.

A 100% would by my normal self. Let’s say “normal/happy” for lack of a better term.

Maybe my brain is still going through these cycles, but behind the scenes now. The medication would usually pin my mood at the 100% mark. However as my normal brain would fail and falter down to that scheduled 0% mark, the pills only have the ability to work up to let’s say a 70% mark.

So if I’m normally at 100%, or near abouts, it equates to a 100% on a medicated brain. However, I’d also say this is where the medication operates the best. As it also then allows you to have more organised thoughts, focus, and generally a positive outlook.

However if it’s more like this:

Then the medication has more of a job to do, to bring the number up. Therefore its potential is somewhat lost - and you don’t get as much of the focus you would normally get. That’s why I thought the pills had stopped working.

So in short; if the pills are working for you. Keep taking them. It may ebb and flow but it’ll always be working.